Life's Complications  Personal Logs
by Infactrus Pennae
Summary: An AU 'story' written as a challenge for a group Picard/Crusher I belong to. The challenge was to carry the emotions through logs. I hope I managed that.


_**Personal Log Stardate 24937.5. **_

_Be damned traditions. I am a fool! Why did I allow her to do that? To be goaded into it by my closest friends? Even now I taste the sweet taste of her lips. My body still feels as though it is heated by some unseen flame, like I have some exotic fever there is no cure for. My taciturnity compromised by a Terran parasite-for the shame of it, mistletoe. How could I have allowed my ever tight control go unchecked? It is bad enough I am forever haunted by those seas of blue, sinfully desiring that they might look upon me the way they gaze upon him. Dear Lord, help me._

_The experience invades my thoughts to an extent I cannot wind down from today's festivities. What have you done to me? I cannot sleep as thoughts of you invade my dreams. Oh the dreams I've had of you; scandalous for the shame of them. You have promised yourself to the man who is like a brother to me, making the thoughts I have of you quite incestuous, I long to bring forth the satisfying utterances of __**my name**__ at the height of your release._

_**Personal Log 24974.3.**_

_How had I missed it before? More to the point why had I chosen to deny it? It's as plan as the nose on my face the man is hopelessly in love. It's about damned time someone threatens to tame the wild beast that is Jean-Luc Picard. I am curious as to whom it might be, but every time I broach the subject he gets agitated. I suppose it's so strange to me because, I am in love and I want to shoot it from the highest mountain peak in the known galaxy. Though that is not entirely unlike Jean-Luc; he is after all a very private man._

_Walker seems to know a little about it and told me that the woman is very pretty, but unfortunately Jean-Luc sees her as off limits. In fact, if I didn't know better by the attitude Walker had Jean-Luc was either Anne or Melissa. Honestly, for Jean-Luc's sake I would hope it wasn't the case. I, myself, would be incredibly angry if it was my sister. Jean-Luc's reputation for being a Don Juan precedes him, unfortunately. _

_Perhaps, I should talk to Beverly about this. If anyone can get him to open up she can. She has this way of making people talk. I guess its just one of those skills she learned in Med School._

_**Personal Log Stardate 25000.4. **_

_In my drunken state what have I done? All night, Captain Jean-Luc Picard avoided me as if I had Rigelian fever. Something that disturbed me as the night wore on. Part of it is Jack's fault, he asked me to discover who Jean-Luc was in love with. I'm willing to bet he never wagered it would hit so close to home. Even now, I have difficultly with the idea, that Jean-Luc Picard, the man who could have his choice of any woman in the galaxy wants me! Even worse, I found myself wanting him as well. _

_The less I knew about the real man, who is Jean-Luc Picard, the more I wanted to know what secrets he's so desperate to keep. Jack has always told me how outgoing and rather pompous his Captain is-not to mention a bit of a flirt. I, however, don't see it. He seemed far too shy and reserved for that. If I didn't know better I would say almost nervous. Even Walker has told me stories about the man. Though, I am willing to bet due to some sense of gallantry. I am not told the entire story. So Jack and Walker are in part to blame for what happen tonight._

_Perhaps, it's the idea that he was keeping a secret lover that had him in my thoughts, but he invaded my thoughts before then. He had been a part of them since the Academy's Christmas party, when I kissed him under the mistletoe. Oh, I claimed it was an innocent kiss but I wanted to see if I could spark some fire under him. _

_Instead of being in the arms of the man who will in two short weeks be my husband I was on the balcony with his best man, when the clock struck midnight and the new year began. Thank God, Walker showed up when he did or only the heavens know what might have happened on that secluded balcony. I should be grateful the night was cut short by nothing more than a passionate kiss to greet the dawn of a New Year. It could easily be blamed on the amount of champagne and other intoxicating beverages we both consumed. _

_I know my thoughts shouldn't be on him right now, especially after making love to Jack not more than ten minutes ago. But I can't seem to help myself. I seem to be drawn to Jean-Luc like a moth drawn to a flame. I love Jack, there is no question in my mind about that, but something in me has feeling for his Commander as well. _

_**Personal Log Stardate 30078.6.**_

_After five years I have learned, quite by accident, my best friend is in love with my wife. Oh he doesn't know I realize this. I have suspected for a while now that his feelings for her transcended those of mere respect for her being my wife. I also know he will never act upon them. It's not in Jean-Luc's nature to move in on another man's wife. _

_Besides, the fault is not entirely his own, Beverly by nature is a bit of a flirt, once she gets to know a person. It's who she is, what makes me love her. That wife of mine could turn the head of any man, and has caused a great many to walk into walls as they stare at her. But her heart belongs to me, so I am comfortable in the fact she would never cheat on me. _

_Still the knowledge that Jean-Luc loves her is reassuring. It means that if something happens to me Beverly never need be left alone to raise our son. Starfleet is not exactly the peaceful exploration unit it was originally designed to be. Just last week the Stargazer was in a firefight with an unknown vessel in the southwest border of Federation space. I am still recovering from injuries that would frighten my wife. _

_**Personal Log Stardate 31135.4. **_

_I have murdered my brother, my best friend. As sure as if I would have been the one to personally see to his death, I killed Jack Crusher. Why did I make the choice that I did? It will be a regret I will have to live with for the rest of my life. To forever be haunted by the knowledge that I put into motion the death of a father and husband, not to mention my closest friend. _

_Oh dear sweet Beverly, how will you ever forgive me for the part I played in denying you your husband. I will forever bare the scarlet letter across my chest, weighted upon my heart. Though it's not, it might as well be an 'A' for all the times my thoughts have committed such a defiled act with you. Instead the price I shall pay is still, as it has been-guilt._

_**Personal Log Stardate 31146.3. **_

_Damn him! What a coward he is! How could he just up and walk away? Doesn't he know I need his strength right now? That he is what will keep me sound and grounded? There was a time he claimed to have feelings for me. What a crock of shit! You don't walk away from someone you profess to love when the going gets tough. Maybe I just allowed myself to believe that Johnny Picard had feelings for me. Thank God I never gave in to my desires for him. I would hate to think how I would feel now if we would have been intimate. _

_Even now his cowardness is robbing me of the one thing I need to be able to do, grieve for my dead husband. I should be mourning the death of the man who loved me more than I ever deserved. I loved Jack, there is no question in my mind about that, but the attraction to Jean-Luc was nearly as strong. _

_Walker claims it was his consumed guilt that caused him to leave, but I'm not sure I believe that, or that I want to. All I know is if the man who promised to look after his 'brother's' family was to walk away from that promise, then I don't care if I never see him again! _

_**Personal Log Stardate 32171.7.**_

_After a year someone has walked back into my life. Well, I shouldn't exactly say walked, after all he was in no condition to walk. In fact he had suffered dermal dysplasia, and dyspnea as a result of the hypoxia he suffered. To further compound his problems, his left lung has experienced tension pneumothorax, as a result of the argon burning his alveoli. If it weren't for the fact he has an artificial heart and top physical condition, he would not have survived the trauma to his lungs. _

_I was assigned to Captain Jean-Luc Picard for one reason and one reason only, his heart. With his injuries to his lungs, he will run the risk of complications with his heart. Though it's mechanical, it still runs the risk of undergoing complications due to the decreased oxygenated blood to it. And unfortunately, runs the risk of rejection or malfunction. _

_Not being a cardiac specialist, and merely an intern, I hope it will not come to the Captain having to having the organ repaired or replaced. Though, I am told, there is a specialist, who is in the sector and is on standby. _

_His injuries, to my understanding were received when the Stargazer was collecting data on the Maxia Zeta star system in hopes to find an ideal location for the Federation's newest terraforming project. The Stargazer had been fired upon by an unknown vessel in the star system as well. With life support and main power failing, as well as fires, the ship was abandoned and the survivors spent almost a full three weeks adrift in space, before being picked up by the USS Cairo, who transported them here to Delos IV. _

_Others close to the explosion on the bridge were not so fortunate, I have been told. In fact Lt. Markum the flight control officer died of the inhalation of the poisonous gases the fumes from the explosions caused. The survivors were brought to Delos IV were I am completing my internship in immunology. Of all places for the survivors of the USS Stargazer to be brought it would have to be here. I had just begun to put Jack's death behind me and now Jean-Luc Picard has to enter into my life. Why? _

_For that matter why did he walk away with out a word after Jack's funeral? What gave him the right to desert Wesley and me when we needed him the most? Now, I'm supposed to care for him. Oh I will, after all I an honor bound to care for him despite the circumstances of our past. _

_**Personal Log 32272.5.**_

_After ten years my most vivid fantasy has come true, I have made love to the desire of my heart. At first, I thought perhaps it was yet another dream, that I had become delusional in my recovery. I should welcome the closeness that my injury had offered, but instead I am sickened by it. Sickened that I used the woman I love for my own self gratification. What must she think of me? What do I think of myself, to have less control then I did when I was a youth. Normally, I am such a thoughtful lover, taking to heart the needs of my partner before my own. Which is why I am embarrassed right now to see myself as a man. No sooner was I buried within her heated warmth, my molten juices erupted. To my horror, I was finished long before she had a chance to start. She was so tender when I laid there, tears pooled in my eyes from the shame. Her words, tried to comfort me. Beverly's soft caressing voice assured me it was due to the medication that aided in my recovery. Still I have wanted this moment for so long, the fact I failed to perform to her expectations infuriates me._

_Perhaps, it's for the better, I am set to leave in less than an hour, to return to Earth. Am I ready to face my court martial? Better yet, am I ready to face Phillipa, especially after now? Oh we have no true commitment, thus there is no reason to feel I have dishonored our relationship. However, my latest injury has shown me I am not the man I once was, or perhaps I am exactly the man I was in my youth? _

_That time has come to alter the course of my life and pursue other desires and ambitions. Thirty years ago Professor Galen advised me I should further my studies in archaeology, at the time I shied away from the thought, I was too young and full of myself. I find myself considering that option, in fact, I have applied to Starfleet's satellite college on Alpha Centauri, to study archaeology under my old Professor. With the long trek's to distant planets with little or no communication, the program will take me out of the public eye for a while, and that is exactly what I prefer. _

_**Personal Log 32373.7.**_

_How could I have been so foolish? I let him into my heart and then my bed, only to have it happen again. He walked away. This time leaving me in a most challenging position, I am with child. Our brief encounter left me very much pregnant. At first I thought, it was a symptom manifested by the case of Thelusian flu, Wesley and I contracted. I never dreamed I could be pregnant. Normally, the contraceptive implant prevents the release of an ovum, as it was designed to due. Something went wrong; Doctor Quaice seems to think that a hormonal imbalance thanks to my long hours and stress played a factor. _

_I am appalled at myself for the very fleeting thoughts that when through my head, when I first found out and then was unable to track down the father. I considered terminating the pregnancy. I have Wesley and my career to think about. How can I, once again raise a child on my own? But the moment that choice was nearly taken from me, the fear I felt when the warmth of blood trickled out, and the thought I was miscarrying, left me desperate to save the life that grew inside of me. I was in love the moment I caught sight of that strong heart beat on the monitor. My child, my little girl is alright, it was nothing more than a small tear that has been repaired. He has given me a daughter! So strong, __**my daughter**__ deserves a chance at life, despite the circumstances surrounding her conception._

_Her father has the right to know of his pending parentage, but how can I track down a man who has the entire Federation to hide in. Especially, a man who is hiding just as much from Starfleet and the realities of his loss of command as he is from me? When will he realize, I don't blame him for Jack's death? _

_**Personal Log 40927.3**_

_My request to serve aboard the USS Enterprise has been confirmed. I believe Jack would have liked this type of ship; it is one of three Galaxy class vessels that will allow for family units. Studies have show starbases that allow families to remain together have a considerably greater moral and efficiency rating. We knew they were working on accommodating families on starships; he even made a pact with me that as soon as it was implemented we would request a joint posting on board. I look forward to being able to bring my children with me when I take the position as Chief Medical Officer. _

_Chief Medical Officer…I wonder what my parents would think of my accomplishments? I have little doubt they would be proud. I know Nana was extremely proud when I was nominated for the Carrington Award, thanks to my work with cybergenic regeneration._

_Finally, as much as I look forward to joining the Enterprise at Denab IV, I also find myself nervous about leaving Earth and Starfleet Medical. Am I doing right by my children, by once again uprooting them? Wesley already has such a difficult time making friends, thankfully Olivia doesn't find it so difficult. _

_I often find it amazing how much like night and day my children are. Wesley is so fixated on his studies, where seven years old Olivia is a free spirit and has her head in the clouds. _

_**Personal Log **__**41124.7**___

_It has been nine years since I last held command of a Starship. There had been a time, I wondered if I would be worthy of the position again after the Court Martial resulting from the loss of the USS Stargazer. It was the largest reason I spent so much time going from posting to posting, and furthering my studies in both diplomacy and archeology, earning me a joint PhD in them. When I found myself once again ready to assume command of a vessel, I believe it was the added experience that pathed the way towards this moment. I have been handed command of the USS Enterprise, a Galaxy class vessel. At current, she ready for her maiden voyage which, frankly has me a bit overwhelmed. Typically, the Captain of a new vessel is with his or her vessel from birth._

_Another fact, about my new command is she is a family ship. I am not particularly comfortable around children, though at times I wonder if I would have made a worthy father. Perhaps I will never know, since it was an oppertunity I was denied. _

_**Personal Log, Supplemental.**_

_I have received the crew manifest for the Enterprise. My First Officer, a man named William Riker, has an exelent record. I believe he will make a fine First Officer, though I fear, through reading his record, I will be spending little time on away missions, perhaps there will be room for debate there. The Operation's Officer is an android named Data. I have yet to encounter an android, in Starfleet, and I was unaware until this moment one existed. Clearly, I need to brush up on the races, or beings in Starfleet, specificatly those who will serve under my command. The ship's counselor is a Betazoid named Deanna Troi. The idea of a person who can read my every thought makes me aprehensive, particularly since I value privacy so dearly. The Security Chief is a woman named Tasha Yar. It will be the first time, I have had a woman hold that position, thus I am unsure what to expect. _

_Finally, I find myself greatly concerned by the selection of Chief Medical Officer, Dr. Beverly Crusher. Fate couldn't be so kind to have two Dr. Crusher's with in Starfleet Medical. I know it's her-the woman stole my heart with a pair of eyes bluer than any Federation ocean. Damn it, of all the Starship's in all the Federation, why did she have to apply for mine? Oh I know her spot predates my own by two months, but how am I supposed to command the one woman who once had me quite literally wrapped around her delicate and beauiful finger? How do I keep moving forward when she has me suddenly looking back, by mere thoughts of her?_


End file.
